Dear, Field Problems:

How do you combat loneliness in the military life?

Signed, Stephanie; Fort Hood, TX; dual-military spouse

Dear, Stephanie:

We’re going to outline some ways to get through the loneliness, but first let’s talk about that term.

Know Your Enemy

Dictionary.com says, “Loneliness is when you are destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship or support.” So really, loneliness means that you have no one, when in fact, you do. You have a service member who loves you; unfortunately, you’re apart. In creeps the loneliness, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

You can shift your focus.

We want those who feel destitute of companionship and support to hear this: “You are not alone.” Neighbors, co-workers, family members, church goers, children, veteran wives, support organizations, and people you don’t even know yet stand ready to support you and are looking for companionship too. Let them fill the void while your service member is gone.

If meeting new friends is intimidating, start by meeting them through reading:

• 365 Deployment Days: A Wife’s Survival Story by Sarah Dawalt
• Behind the Blue-Star Banner by Michelle S. Cuthrell
• Separated by Duty, United in Love by Shellie Vandevoorde
• I’m Already Home…Again by Elaine Dumler

Also, we find comfort in telling ourselves just how lucky we are to have our lives, to have someone worth missing, someone who we are so passionate about. Not everyone does. You can use positive self-talk as your tool too. Tell yourself, “I’m not alone,” and “I’m so very lucky to live this passionate life and have someone to miss.” These inner dialogues will kick-start your strength and attitude to take on these next challenges.

Keep Busy, Counting

There’s one thing deployments can’t stop and that is time. Tomorrow and redeployment will eventually come, so know that this is a temporary state. Have fun counting down the time.

Here’s some silliness to set an example: “299 loads of dishes to do, 299 loads of dishes. Put them away, count down a day, 298 loads of dishes to do.”

You’ve got to do the day-to-day things to keep the stress of piled dishes, laundry, or mail from becoming insurmountable. Just remind yourself that that chore brings you one moment closer to the one you love. Or you can keep score and imagine the face your service member when he hears he has 299 poopy diapers to change before you’re “back on dootie duty.”

Some of you need something more visual. Set a countdown on your phone for personal use. Make sure that if you’re using a countdown that you keep it private and off social media or websites. We want to abide by the rules of OPSEC.

Learn a New Skill

From belly dancing to knitting, we heard it all. Learning a new skill creates confidence and it helps you keep busy. It also brings you into contact with people with similar interests. A lot of tension can be broken by laughing (at yourself and with others) because a new knit sweater has three arms instead of two or because you’re the only one who brought an authentic grass skirt to belly dancing class.

You can also further your skills in areas such as personal fitness, higher education, or money management. If you don’t use this time to better yourself, for the benefit of your relationship, you are missing out. Make a list of those things your service member doesn’t particularly like to do, but you love; start doing those things. Or maybe you have figured out what you’re currently trained to do is not particularly suited for the military lifestyle. Use the time now to explore and set your feet on a new path. Negotiate a budget to do this with extra deployment money and keep your service member informed of all the good you’re doing. 

Plan Your Life Together

Scrapbooking and journaling are two ways of getting your ideas for the future down on paper. Build a binder to put clippings or notes in about dream vacation, dream home, or your ideal retirement plan. You can open up the lines of communication by exploring these binder chapters with your deployed service member. Tell him anything goes, gather his ideas, and then start working to meet in the middle. Focusing on the future brings hope to both fronts. It will be good to have these things to talk about in the ninth or tenth month of deployment when you feel all you have done is complain about how long the grass is or how mouthy the kids are. It’s very, very hard to feel lonely when you’re planning for and shaping your future with the one you love.

Even once you’ve implemented a few of these ideas, not every day will be easy. You’ll feel the urge to let the blues overcome you. In that moment, call one of your new friends and throw a “Whine and Cheese” pity party. Give yourself an allotted time and just do it. Get all the ugly out.

But then, turn your eyes on the prize and focus on all the days you can and will do well.

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