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10 Things to Know Before You Marry a Service Member

There are plenty of inconveniences about this life, and God forbid, I complain about them. Typically, every military spouse has heard, “Well, you knew what you were getting into…” at least once. But who really knows everything that lies ahead when you marry a service member?

How is there any way to know what we’re getting into? You have to live it to know it, right?

There were plenty of mistakes I made as a girlfriend to my service member and even as a young spouse. Unfortunately, there is no Military Marriage for Dummies, so we most of us are winging it. Nearly a decade into this game, I wish I could have a conversation with the younger version of myself and provide a few tips for the military significant other I once was.

Here are just a few:

1. The friendships will be your greatest blessing.

Although I’ve had the misfortune of coming across a few bad eggs, the majority of the friends I’ve made are the spouses who are there for one another. They know how to look me in the eye and tell me exactly how it is. They’ve helped me jump-start my career. They’ve stood by my side with endless support and encouragement…when I’ve never needed it more.

2. Solo parenting is a lot harder than it looks.

My husband was already serving when we met, I knew that with marriage would come a lot of alone time or parenting on my own. Several years and four kids later, I’m praying to the gods of Murphy’s Law that nothing goes awry every time he leaves.

3. Stop planning.

I’m that person. The one who has a plan D, just in case plans A, B, and C fall through (which is most likely to happen in this life). However, I’ve learned to let go of every plan, hope, or dream I’ve had for my life. If we’re lucky enough to have one plan follow through, it isn’t going to end up the way I envisioned.

The military has a magical way of getting your hopes up just to reroute you in a new direction. That doesn’t necessarily need to be a bad thing. I’ve learned to embrace the unknown and how to ride this roller coaster by the seat of my pants.

4. The military will change your spouse.

We’re in our late 20’s/early 30’s now, so it’s safe to say we aren’t the same people we were in our early 20’s. However, endless trainings, additional duties, deployments, and all the what-nots have certainly taken their toll.

Before you assume the worst, my husband is a wonderful spouse and an incredible father. But there are certain obstacles we’ve had to overcome together to make our marriage as strong as it has been.

5. Consider the lack of permanency when selecting a career.

I chose to be a hairstylist. I love what I do. I wouldn’t change it even if I had the option to. However, I have to change my state licensing, ensure I have all needed permits, and start over with building a loyal clientele every there or four years when we move to a new state.

6. Don’t believe them when they say they’re getting out.

If I had a dollar for every time I heard “I’m not reenlisting,” I’d have a healthy savings account by now! Humor aside, most service member who make it past seven years end up serving until retirement.

So, when he has yet another bad day, I’ve learned to serve him a cold one with his late dinner, let him vent about the ridiculous day he’s had, and remind him that tomorrow is a new day.

7. Things can and will change in an instant.

I remember planning for our second PCS. We had a dwindling savings account and a rental home to clean for inspection before traveling 1,500 miles. But it was all okay because we would use the military movers and the government travel card to pay for hotels, gas, and food along the way.

Or so we thought.

Not only were we forced to pay for an additional month of rent, but the transportation office informed us the movers were scheduled two months out when we only had three weeks. To make matters worse, we never received the travel card in time, so we had to take out a personal loan through our credit union and make payments until we got reimbursed, several months later.

To put it in perspective, you could have found me in the fetal position with a bottle of wine any time during that final week.

But everything works out exactly the way it’s supposed to. And work out it did.

8. Make time for each other.

Whether it’s work or personal, military, or a civilian relationship, all relationships take effort. Being married to the military, it’s a given that you’ll spend a certain amount of time away from each other. Make time when your partner is home for a weekly date night or family game night. Take 20 minutes to walk around the neighborhood.

Just make time to focus on each other before they leave, yet again.

9. Having a large family makes it difficult to go home.

We’ve been blessed with wonderful parents who opt to come visit us because it’s easier and more affordable than taking our family of six to travel 3.000 miles. However, I can’t wait for the day that I can take my kids to see where I grew up and explore where their grandparents live.

10. Befriend a seasoned spouse.

Find someone who has been stationed a couple different places and been through a deployment or two. They know how things typically work.

I felt so alone and out of the loop that first deployment. Luckily, I had an amazing FRG leader who helped me, even before I was married, and answered any and all questions I had about acronyms, benefits, and general knowledge of military life. She was truly a godsend.

 

I hope I can help just one young spouse or significant other the same way I was helped. The military is a small world, but when you’re new to it, it can seem overwhelming.

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