Dear Deployment Diary,

Season: Departure

Here you are once again. The time has come to wipe the tears, push my shoulders back, and endure you. I have little ones at home and they need a strong parent. But what do I do when I don’t feel strong? What do I say when I have no words of wisdom for my 8-year-old who has so many questions? Do we really know the perfect words to say?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Every day is a mixture of easier and harder. Easier, because I’m getting used to the “one-woman-show” routine. Harder, because he’s still gone.

Look, Deployment Diary, you and I will just have to face the inevitable. We have a love-hate relationship. I love the feeling I get from writing in your pages, but I hate that I have to do it.

Do you know what’s most difficult, Diary?

Nights. Yes, nighttime is hard. Locking the house, turning down the lights, closing the doors, kissing our littles, and getting in bed just to reach over and not feel him there. That’s hard. Waking in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom just to see that his side of the bed is empty. That’s hard.

But you know what, Diary? I found something that helps with hurt. No, it doesn’t bring him home, but it helps with the heartache. Self care.

Yes, my dear despised Deployment Diary, self care.

A bubble bath, a good read, journaling, my Bible, instrumental music, a delicious candle, watching whatever I want to watch, a face mask, it helps. So, while deployment is hard—so hard—and I shed a tear in random moments of my day, and sometimes I don’t get out of my pajamas, I found that self-care is vital to enduring.

That, and loads of coffee!

Until next time, Diary,

A face-mask-wearing Military Spouse