There is a particular word that often comes up in the normal course of conversation. It usually goes something like this:

• Your boss says, “You did really well on that project, but…”
• Your dental hygenist says, “You’re doing a good job on flossing, but…”
• A co-worker says, “I appreciate your input on this, but…”

What happens in your mind when the person, normally after a brief thoughtful pause, says that little word before they say anything else?

I think that color looks great on you, but…

I appreciate how well you’ve been sticking to our budget, but…

I really loved dinner tonight, but…

At first you feel good and affirmed, and you’re soaking up the praise. You’re happy about what is being said and considering how you are going to respond. And then after the pause you hear it.

“But…”

The impact of that little three-letter word negates, cancels, and voids everything that preceded it.

It signifies that, now, we get to hear how they really feel. You know the really important part of the sentence is coming up. You always give more attention, consideration, and thought to what is said after the but.

In each case, it is likely that person speaking fully intended to be helpful, congratulatory, or complimentary. But, then they toss in this verbal hand grenade which demolishes the effect they are attempting to create. I’ve used it! And if I’m paying attention I see the impact.

What can you do instead?

Simply replace the “but” with “and.”

Try this:

I had a great evening out with you, and maybe next time we can start earlier.

Your job performance has been very good, and I’d like you to be more proactive in your actions.

I agree with much of your input, and I wonder if we could talk about this one point.

You may find this a bit of a challenge initially, but with practice you can make it a regular part of your conversations.

For an advanced strategy, you can use this technique I learned in an improv class. The first rule of improv is to agree. When responding to your spouse say “Yes, and.”

By saying yes, we consciously accept the reality created by our spouse and begin the collaborative process. Being agreeable will improve your marriage, and who better to collaborate with than your spouse?

Yes, and…