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Loss and Angels

January 21, 2023

It’s hard to truly encapsulate what a loss feels like in just words. Although time has been kind and some form of healing has taken place, sometimes (like waves crashing on a cliff) the pain just hits you. It takes you back to a moment and it feels like it was just a blink away.

Like it just happened hours ago, and you can literally taste the adrenaline overtaking you .

 

This happened to me recently.

 

I have been dealing with many things these past two years, but it all came to a head in my kitchen when my husband told me, “The senior is retiring.”  I was truly sad. Not only has he been a wonderful mentor to my husband (a pillar of strength due sheer determination), but he is also one of those humans that truly gives selflessly.

The kind of human we need more of in this crazy life

His family is special to me, and this is where “the onion layers” start to open up.

 

Because both he and his wife serve in the military, I served as a caregiver for his beautiful wife’s baby girl. At first wasn’t sure if it would work; a little baby is a big responsibility. However, when I saw her I couldn’t resist. I love babies and there’s something so soothing about a baby in your arms smiling back at you .

You might remember the phrase I am famous for and so I said, “Why not?”

I had no intention of reopening the doors of the past. I have healed already, I was sure .

At first, it was the usual getting to know the baby.  I was in the moment with this beautiful baby girl. She was cooing in my arms when I noticed she had a fever. She fell asleep with her head on my shoulder (which she never did for anyone but her parents) holding my finger.

 

I have tried to write about this without crying, but I’ve accepted is just not possible.

 

I felt something start to not sit right with me. I had been telling myself, ” This is a temporary caregiving.” She is truly a sweet baby, but for self protection, I couldn’t let my heart go there.

I couldn’t, yet I did.

In that moment, I felt so much and I cried silent, warm tears; the kind that come from the deepest place in your soul .When her mom got home, we talked about the usual things, diapers and her falling asleep on me. My heart had been opened in a way I was not prepared for.

On the way home, I had the random playlist going and I let myself cry. A familiar song to me came on; Broken by Trisha Yearwood

“I’m falling apart, I’m barely breathing,With a broken heart that’s still beating”

Those words of loss echoed in my heart.

 

loss

Ally’s daughter plays at the lake

I cried the hardest I have in a long time.  It took me back to a time at the lake and the traumatic three days I spent there as I miscarried a child. it brought back the pain that closed part of my heart because the pain was too big.

So much happened to me that year as I ended up being diagnosed with cervical cancer.

The blessing was that it was in early stages and they were able to remove everything with masses, including a piece of my bladder. I am truly grateful, it did not require more .

I am still not under full remission, they kept finding masses in my bladder and five years is the magic number as a whole. I told myself everything happens for a reason. This is also what my mother, my husband, and so many others kept telling me.

 

So There I was in my van, listening to that song echoed in my mind so loudly. I felt “Broken”

 

All that pain of the miscarriage and the diagnosis, came back to me. Sitting in my van, hearing that song again as if it had been yesterday .The words still needed to be heard,

” Grief is love that has nowhere to go.”

The next day, I held that precious baby and I felt love . Love did have somewhere to go after all. Now, I can remember everything. The pain is still there, but I can listen to that song and not feel numb .

I feel it with a sorrowful sadness, yet with the joy that humans are capable of, and I am grateful that God heard what I needed without me asking. I was grateful that I was given an opportunity to heal, while helping a fellow military family .

We are (at times) indeed broken. This military life moves us around so much and we leave pieces of ourselves along the way. Like the lyrics of a beautiful song, I’m grateful for this one.

Loss and Angels are always around us.

 

*For more from Ally, check out our Band of Bloggers Page

 

 

 

Author

  • Ally Darnell is an Air Force wife of 15 years. She has two beautiful children who are autistic . She was born in Peru and grew up in a military family as her father was a General in the Peruvian army. Her family from her father's side is Italian and from her Mother's side is Spanish. She has supported her family proudly from the homefront and holds a certificate in Travel Agency Management. She currently serves as a lead key spouse for the 305th Aerial Port Squadron at McGuire AFB . Ally loves to learn and is a fan of Royal History and decorating. Her family also has a 127 pound labrador who still believes he's a lap dog, and they absolutely love him!

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