Grow where you are planted. That is by far one of the most common phrases I’ve heard during my years as an AD spouse.

Love it or hate it, this phrase has merit. 

Grow (or bloom) where you’re planted has been something my kids have had to do (naturally) every time we’ve moved: count 9 schools over the span over my now 19-year old’s academic life; 6 schools for my current 16-year-old; 4 schools for my 10-year-old twins.

The younger they’ve been, the easier it as for them to grow where they were planted. 

Having to learn how to do this has made my eldest’s transition to college almost seamless.

He had a leg up on his fellow classmates in how to start (and flourish at) a new school in an area you’ve never been among people you’ve never met. He has been involved in a school marching band since our time in Florida and let me tell you, that is one ready-made, inclusive, built in community anywhere you go.

He didn’t necessarily want to join it in 9th grade either, but I told him he needed to at least try it during that first week of band camp being held in July.

I remember telling him it would be a good experience, that he would get to see the halls of the large high school before school even started, and that he would make friends that he would know before he even stepped foot in class.

(His response to me: “I’m a 6’3 freshman, I don’t think I’m going to have any problems with making friends.” What exactly his height had to do with making friends, I’ll never know, but neither of us were wrong.)

The rest was history as they say and when we moved the summer before his junior year of high school, he did the same thing at his new school with their marching band. When he was ready to pick his college, he also auditioned in for their marching band and was selected in August.

Built in community. 

My twins have had a best friend everywhere they’ve gone.

For twins, it is generally unavoidable, nor did mine not want to be best friends. Some twin relationships can be complicated, especially when they get oldest (from what I’m told and what I read), but for now, my boys are joined at the hip for most things.

They are in separate classes in school but play together with classmates from both classes during recess and extra curriculars. They are night and day when it comes to personalities but have figured out how to bloom where they’re planted.   

Although he is also not unfamiliar with this, my 16-year-old is the one that is having a hard time in this new soil.

He attends one of the largest high schools in our new state and does well academically, but it is the social part of blooming where you’re planted that is the toughest for him.

He had two good friends that he left behind and hasn’t been able to find similar friendships in this new location. This is difficult for me because while I know high school will be a blip in his rearview soon, that reality doesn’t really help him now.

I also know that getting involved is the best way to find your people but that can be a hard thing when you’re a teenager (or adult) with a mostly introverted personality.

It can be challenging when you don’t quite understand why your parents moved you to this place that doesn’t truly comprehend what a military lifestyle is like and when most of the people you meet here have never lived anywhere else. 

I came across an article recently titled “Gloom Where You’re Planted”. It talks about the initial excited attitude that often comes with the first few times you PCS, how fun and thrilling it can be to be a new place and get involved with new things and people.

It then goes on to discuss the realization that this type of approach can get exhausting.

Some people have the type of personality where they can easily continue to have this outlook on each move, that it’s the best way forward at a new duty station. I don’t necessarily think they’re wrong, but I do know how hard it can be to continue to do this every time you move because really, what’s the point?

The author ends their article with this sage quote:

“You’re told to make the ‘best of it’ by being the ‘best of you.’ These thoughts read as an energetic call to arms to access your strengths and transform your life into what your new duty station demands of you. But you have seen time and again that all the vigor and optimism you can summon doesn’t make that sh*t sandwich taste any better. ‘Bloom where you’re planted’ becomes ‘Doom…same manure, different pot’.” – Chris Field.

Another thing that seems to have a love/hate relationship in the military community when it comes to moving all the time is the word resilience.

(Not unlike the “bloom where you’re planted” phrase, it seems either people either love the word resilience when it comes to describing military kids/families, or they absolutely hate it.

There doesn’t appear to be a lot of in between on this that I’ve seen, and you don’t often have a conversation about military kids/families without this word populating somehow.) Resilience can go hand in hand with the bloom where you’re planted phrase.

If you can’t (or don’t) bloom where you’re planted, are you resilient?

I think you can be, even in a “gloom” where you’re planted situation. You can learn from that experience and those lessons can contribute to your resiliency. What if your definition of blooming where you’re planted is different from someone else’s? I think there are varying degrees of blooming and being resilient.      

There is an argument that this word resilience can set people up for failure, that it is often assumed military families will have this trait and be able to get through anything. This may be true for some families, but it certainly should not be assumed to apply to all. (You know what happens when you assume…)

There is far more that can be said on this topic, so I’ll simply close with some advice to help those who may still need to bloom where they’re planted: Be kind. Ask how someone is doing- don’t assume. Offer specific help. This can apply to both kids and adults, military adjacent or otherwise. 

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.” -Brad Meltzer

*For more from Erin, check out her M:M Author Page.