Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Depression took one of our best and brightest. When Robin Williams died by suicide on Aug. 11, 2014, I’ll admit that it threw me for a loop, and I wasn’t alone. It seemed like the nation was sent staggering for a few days (or a week, or two). It, quite plainly, sucks.

What happened, here?

Mostly we wanted to know why. How? How could this immensely talented man, a man who made us laugh for decades, who moved us to tears in Dead Poet’s Society, Patch Adams, and Good Will Hunting, how could he be in such despair that ending his life seemed like the only way out?

Let’s make his life (and death) a teachable moment, shall we?

It’s time to talk about depression. We don’t do it nearly enough, and it’s very important—critical—especially with the epidemic of suicide sweeping through our military and veteran community.

Depression often occurs simultaneously with many of the injuries our service members are come home with—severe physical trauma, traumatic brain injury, post-traumatic stress, military sexual trauma—and sometimes the drugs that treat these are not indicated for patients with depression and can, in fact, make depression worse. It isn’t uncommon for the caregivers of those with serious injuries and illnesses to become depressed. It’s important that we own it, talk about it, and remove the myths about it.

Here are some things you should know:

1. Depression is not just a bad day (or week).

It’s not the “blues”. There are categories of depression, but one thing that holds true for all of them is that seeking help is the way to go about dealing with them.

2. Depression is not a choice.

It’s not. According to this Mayo Clinic article, depression is caused by a combination of biological differences in the brain, brain chemistry, hormones, genetic predisposition, and in some cases major physical or psychological trauma. So telling someone to “snap out of it” is like telling someone with multiple sclerosis or diabetes to snap out of it. Depression is no more of a choice than many other diseases.

3. Depression is not selfish.

See #2.

4. Even people with successful lives (however you define that) have depression.

Because it doesn’t have so much to do with the house, car, kids, career. Because #2.

5. It’s okay to ask for help.

Seriously, when you go to the doctor for your checkup or a broken finger, whatever, they ask you the questions. Have you been feeling down? Have you lost interest in activities you used to find pleasurable? Have you had any thoughts of harming yourself? If the answer is yes, tell them. You don’t have to suffer through this alone.

6. Know how to talk to someone with depression.

Say things like: 

• I see that you’re hurting. How can I help?
• Can I come over and hang out with you for a while? (Or take you out to lunch, or go to a yoga class, or whatever you think of)
• I’m here if you need to talk. (But only say it if you mean it)
• You’re not alone. I’m here for you.
• You know, you’re really awesome. I’m so glad that you’re my friend.
• How about a hug?
• We don’t have to talk if you don’t want to. But if you do, I’ll listen.
• You are important to me.

7. Check on yourself.

If you think you might be depressed, make a doctor’s appointment. Primary care will do. If you need a referral to a mental health specialist, that’s who will refer you. Learn what resources are available to you. Fortunately in the military there are many. Military Family Life Consultants (MFLC), social workers, chaplains, doctors, yes.

8. Know the numbers to call. 

There is 24/7 support out there:

• Military One Source has a toll-free, confidential phone counseling line at 800-342-9647
• The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can be reached at 800-273-8255
• The Real Warriors Campaign has resources for Active Duty, Veterans, National Guard & Reserve, and families.
• The Veterans Crisis Line has so many resources for veterans and their families and can be reached at 800-273-8255, then press 1.