By Carmen Westbrook

“Do not covet” is just dumb, my loves. It’s like saying “Thou Shalt Not Breathe” or “Thou Shalt Not Pump Blood From Thy Heart.” Of course we are going to covet. It’s an emotion that will run through each one of us, relatively often. The issue, of course, isn’t to somehow magic that emotion out of us. This issue, my loves, is how to use it as a superpower. 

Let me explain.

A few years ago, I started a business. In doing so, I started listening to other businesswoman podcasts, reading momboss blogs, following female influencers on Instagram, and basically following all of the amazing entrepreneurs I could. And do you know what my main overriding emotion was during that time? 

A whole bag of covetousness. 

I coveted their brand, I coveted their confidence, I coveted their influence, I coveted their beautiful, bright, pink images. I had voices in my head that said things like, “who does she think she is?” and “she just wants my money,” and “all she wants is to grow her business.” Covet, covet, covet all over the place. Of course…I couldn’t say those things out loud, except in conclaves with secret female friends.

And do you know what?

I zero percent hate myself for having those thoughts or saying those things.

Do you know why?

Because I learned a really, really valuable lesson from that.

I realized that covetousness is simply an indication from our emotions that we, as individuals, are being called to grow and develop more in the way of the person we covet.

I would like to be very clear here—I support having that “Thou shalt not covet” rule in our rulebooks for children. It is helpful for us, when we are children, to understand that stealing other people’s toys does not work when we are in community with others. I have experienced this quite a bit with my own children (and some adults…). It’s necessary for us, in society, to learn the basic rule of “don’t just sit there pining away over other people’s stuff.” That is a fundamental rule for how to interact with other people.

It’s just…it doesn’t really serve, when we are adults, to have a rule that says “thou shalt not feel that emotion.” Because that emotion lives in every single one of us, and the only thing the “thou shalt not” rule does is make us feel shame when we naturally feel it flowing through us. So the question, of course, becomes: “What does that covetous feeling mean when it crops up in my life?” Because smashing it down and feeling shame about it doesn’t do a thing except allow the unconscious part of ourselves to run and control us. And that is something that we, as leadership developers, work so hard to train people to not do.

So, what exactly does that “covetous” feeling mean? And how are we to deal with it when it appears? Now, that’s the fantastic question here. What that feeling means, of course, is that we have been given a great, big signpost from the Universe about where we are supposed to go to make our own mark on the world. It’s like a neon light flashing “GO HERE!” to help us find our own puzzle piece spot in this 8 billion piece puzzle that we call humanity. And that is something that everyone, everyone, we train is asking us to help with. Frankly, it’s the big question of the whole millennial generation. And it’s fantastic.

Let me tell you my story.

In the past—and sometimes even now—I have felt covetous towards Jenna Kutcher, Michelle Obama, and Angelina Jolie (among others). I have, even if in my own head, silently derided them: Jenna, get it together, sister. I mean, your voice is kind of nasal. And Michelle, are you really going to just follow a man around all over the place? You could do so much more than be just a stay-at-home mom. And Angelina, you are a literal and absolute hot mess. Who on Earth would listen to a celebrity about any big world issues?

Yes, I have said all of those things, and more, inside of myself about each of these women. Does that make me a despicable person? And do I now hate myself? Nope. 

What I do, my loves, is run there. I run to that feeling. I look at it, examine it, roll it around in my hands. And for me, I have discovered that it simply means that, for some reason, I am supposed to grow in my voice (Jenna), my political impact (Michelle), and social justice issues (Angelina). 

Well…sweet! Thank you, Universe! Do you know how incredibly helpful that is in figuring out what I need to do next? That is an amazing help!

Do you know why?

Because I have no feelings of covetousness for the women that are leading the crusade on homeschooling, or…oh, I don’t know. Maybe chefs that are fighting for their human rights in the workplace? Those things don’t even register on my radar…because that’s not my piece in the puzzle. I’m so glad they’re doing that (and all of the other millions of people that are doing the things that are needed to run this world—thank you). And I have no covetousness there, almost no knowledge of those areas, because that’s not my piece of the puzzle. At least…not right now.

And as I run to those places, as I unpack those feelings and find what they are calling me to do…those voices that are shaming Jenna, Michelle, and Angelina? They get quieter. Because they don’t need to needle and poke me in that direction to pay attention to those women. I’m already on my way, running there—and it was simply their job to help me realize that.

So, my loves…perhaps an invitation today to tune into what makes you feel covetous.

Who are we deriding, or pulling down, or saying “they just want x?”

And then…be grateful for those feelings. Because they are an amazing, fantastic signpost from the Universe that we are supposed to grow in that direction, be a part of that change.

And what I say is: The more the merrier.

And if this article in and of itself makes you angry? Perhaps, fabulous love, you too are being called to be a writer. Come join us, sisters and brothers. We need you so.

And so, maybe, it should actually say “Covet! Covet away! And then go run there, my loves. Because it’s just my way of calling you into your own brilliant starshine.”

May we all shine as brightly as possible.

Carmen, a Nebraska native, and her husband, Lt. Col. Jonathan Westbrook, met at the age of 19, while both attending the University of Washington in Seattle: He was in the Reserve Officer Training Corps, and she was studying Economics and Environmental Studies. Twenty years, five deployments (all to Iraq), and four children later, they’re still going strong. In her 17 years as a military spouse, Carmen has called the following installations home: Fort Benning, Georgia; Fort Bragg, North Carolina; Fort Huachuca, Arizona; Schofield Barracks, Hawaii; Lincoln, Nebraska; Camp Zama, Japan; Fort Meade, Maryland; and the US Embassy in Rome, where Jonathan is the Assistant Army Attache. They are on their way to the US Embassy, Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, later this year. 

Inspired by her experience with her Family Readiness Group, she decided to start Aina Giving, a unique leadership community built on the principles of servant leadership, empowerment, and equality. She believes that our world gets better when every individual is supported and encouraged to take responsibility for impacting their community, region, country, and world. Being trained as a Co-Active Executive Coach as well as obtaining her Leadership Developer Certification from CTI, Carmen now combines those skills with her milspouse experiences to give individuals the tools to lead confidently in their own lives. Facilitating interactive leadership workshops and learning activities, Carmen and her team are always working to broaden their reach while promoting purpose-driven leadership.