As I move through my 28th year of being a military spouse, I have come to an odd realization.

I am afraid that while I want to be seen as the spouse who handles challenges undeterred and with optimism and hope, I am sadly not that person.

I am more of “Lets talk about all the ways this can implode” kind of gal. It’s a tough truth to embrace, but I am owning it.

I first came to this realization in 2017 while taking the Army’s Level I Master Resiliency Training Course. I was surrounded by other spouses who were way more resilient than I was, and I was also beginning to feel allergic to the word “resilient”. 

In front of me, I had a cup of strong black coffee, a binder of material heavy enough to hold open a door in a hurricane, and a gnawing sense of dread that people around me were going to see me for the cynic that I often am.

While my fellow spouses dove into the course with enthusiasm, I was struggling with some heavy issues and felt like I was faking most of my interactions at this point.

More coffee was definitely needed.

As a teacher and as a military spouse, I have often found myself compartmentalizing my own personal issues to get through the day, or through the deployment (Or PCS…insert whatever Army challenge was at my feet.) 

So I tried to stay focused as I watched my friends jump in with all the right answers, and I just tried to keep up.

Suddenly,  the instructor moved into a skill that I was so practiced in- I may be at an Olympic level……

CATASTROPHIZING or THE WORST CASE SCENARIO GAME.

Of course the “ever so professional” MRT instructor did not call it that, she simply called it “Putting It in Perspective“, or PIP for short in case we needed to remember it quickly.

PIP? I am the QUEEN of PIP!

Suddenly, I had an adrenaline rush (could have been the 3rd cup of coffee) and I perked right up.  Much to unpopular opinions in the military spouse world, I finally felt I had permission to go there.

To the dark places…

To the outcomes that don’t end well…

And to the problems that can’t be solved with the usual platitudes of……..

“Pull up Your Big Girl Panties”

“Suck it up Buttercup”

“You knew this was a possibility, roll with it” 

And my personal least favorite… “Your a military spouse- You are like a teabag that only gets stronger with hot water”

Finally, It was my time to shine! The instructor gave us all types of scenarios to “catastrophize”, and I am sure I left some scars at our group table.

Some of the scenarios we discussed:

MRT Professional: The car won’t start.

ME: HOW WILL WE WILL EVER AFFORD A NEW ONE

MRT Professional: Your teenage daughter is not in her room this morning.

ME:  SHE HAS RUN OFF WITH SPC SMITH TO GET MARRIED!

MRT Professional: The Commander needs to see your soldier in his office.

ME:  HE IS GETTING DEPLOYED AND YOU ARE FREAKING OUT BECAUSE YOU FOUND OUT YOU ARE PREGNANT …..AND NOW YOU WILL HAVE TO GO HOME AND LIVE WITH YOUR MOTHER IN LAW BECAUSE YOU ARE #92 ON THE HOUSING LIST.

Man, I was on a roll until we got to the next part of the exercise…. The 5 steps to “Put it in Perspective”

1. Describe what happened, be objective
2. Capture all of your worst case thoughts
3. Generate unlikely best case thoughts
4. Identify all the most likely outcomes
5. Develop a plan for all likely outcomes

I suddenly realized that my “worst case scenario skills” were only good until it was time to reach #3.  When you experience prolonged periods of crisis and instability, you tend to go straight from number 2 to number 5.

This is where I continue to struggle, as I was so recently reminded the other evening watching an amazing show on Netflix called “This is Us“.

In this show, there is a married couple that can also play “the worst case scenario” game at an Olympic level. Beth and Randall Pearson often stop when they are faced with a life problem and say all the things that are “fear mongering” in their brains. 

They are both surprised and horrified at some of the scenarios the other comes up with. After they hear each other out, they bond together and solve the problem.

I am not married to a Randall, but he does patiently wait for me to explore all the dark things that could happen without interrupting, and I am grateful for that.

Sometimes a girl just needs to go there…You know?

After much reflection, I realize that my brain needs to explore all the possible outcomes- the good, the bad, and the very very ugly.

And after I am done, I will “Pull up my big girl panties” and make a plan. 

Just as soon as I watch one more episode, and maybe write an apology note to all my fellow spouses who were stuck in my group that day. 

*To watch Beth and Randall play “The Worst Case Scenario Game” click HERE.

*To Learn More about the Army’s MRT Program, click HERE

*To read more of Kathleen’s work, click HERE