If you’re reading this, let me start by saying welcome! My name is Jerad Knight, a military spouse of a U.S. Navy Sailor and veteran of the U.S. Army.

This is the first time I have written out my story in a more detailed manner other than saying, “Don’t ask, Don’t tell Sucked!”

It’s also the first time I will really explore being a homosexual service member. 

To start, I joined the military on June 6th, 1999, during the days of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT). As a gay man in the days of the policy being new (and with the progression of changes), it was not an easy time.

I remember when it was purely “Don’t Ask and Don’t Tell“.

Then it evolved into; “Don’t Ask, Don’t tell, and Don’t Pursue”.

When you’re a gay man and your career can be taken away if you say the wrong thing or do the wrong thing (or even if there’s an accusation of you saying or doing the wrong thing), you learn to be super guarded.

You learn not to make bonds with co-workers, not to date, not to give any hint of your authentic self. I served many years as a “robot” of sorts. 

I didn’t talk about what I did outside of uniform other than the typical small talk of schoolwork, video games, and hanging out with friends.

When asked about who I was dating (or if I was dating), my best friend Stephanie was (all of a sudden) my girlfriend, then eventually a fiancée.  Tragically when the eventual talk of a wedding date came up, I had to make up a sad tale of us breaking up. (She was a great friend whom I have missed dearly since her passing this past December).

But that forced the “fake me“, and I got lost and couldn’t go through the normal process of defining the REAL me. 

I was 17 when I joined the military.  So, when most of us are navigating “finding ourselves” and debating about going to college or not, there I was…. going to basic training, drilling, and being a young soldier defined not by myself, but by a policy.

I know some people will ask, “Why did you chose to join if you were gay and knew it was against the rules?“

In short, I don’t know.

Was it a sense of duty?

A sense of not yet knowing for sure of my sexuality?

Was it just the idea of getting out of a small town with a career after graduation?

Was it all of the above? 

I arrived at Fort Knox, Kentucky to begin basic training in June of that year and by July……I knew I had made a mistake.

There was a guy in my unit who was not as masculine as the other guys and was given so much grief and suspicion about his identity, that I knew I didn’t wanna be hazed in the same way.

So I acted more masculine to the point where I was mentally and emotionally void.

I regret not trying to talk to him and becoming his friend or ally. He would be the first of many soldiers I would see drummed out of their dream of service for a natural part of themselves.

The first of many times I would outwardly show no fear, but inside I would be breaking from the injustices of DADT.  

I slowly (yet unknowingly) lost my connection to me, my friends, and my happiness.

I slowly cut out communication with my friends back home, who knew I was gay, out of fear they’d slip up in a letter, and I’d somehow be found out.

I took punishments for getting caught showering after lights out to avoid being in a open shower with other men in the unit. I closed myself off from feeling those normal ideas of relationships, attraction, self-acceptance.

I managed to barely keep my head above water until Basic Training graduation.  

I finished basic without “getting caught”: I fooled them all, or so I thought.

But I didn’t fool anyone….What I learned to be someone else. 

As anyone can tell you, when you’re being someone else you have to lie. And then lie again to cover the first lie, and again to cover them both.

Then again and again until you have built a whole fictional world that is exhausting to keep up.

You end up a shell of this fictional world and “outwardly projected you” until it breaks you.

And break me it did. I had no friends, no trusted close people, no romantic partner, no self.

NO SELF……that’s a dark place to be. 

When you realize that all the promotions, the awards, the uniform, and the life you have is what others see as fulfilling.

But you know that it is empty.

I wish I could say after DADT things were magically better.

They were not for a long time. Just because the policy went away doesn’t mean the ignorance went with it.

Just because they can’t kick you out doesn’t mean they won’t find another way to make you leave.

I still had to live in my shell and fake smoke screen world for a long time.

I would very slowly take steps to dismantle the illusional world that I had crafted for my co-workers.

I’d start saying small truths like “No I’m dating anyone”, or I’d stop going on blind dates with my unit buddies and their girlfriends’ sister or friend.

Small parts of things. 

I would still see guys who “came out” get called names or become the butt of jokes, and slowly I finally started to speak up for them.

I’d tell the other guys to “knock it off“, and not be like that while still denying my own truth.

I’d start online flirting with guys on gay dating sites, but chicken out of meeting anyone cause you never know if it was a trap.

Then one day, my secret got out.

Someone found my journal of private thoughts going all the way back to 1999 and who I was and it somehow got to my commanders desk.

I was caught, busted, outed.

Even though DADT was gone, I was still standing there afraid.

Now, I’d be the butt of the jokes, I’d be the hazed one.

I wish I could say it wasn’t that way.

I wish I could say I was accepted, and no one cared.

I wish I could say I was supported.

I wish I didn’t have to say I was suddenly transferred to a new unit. I wish I didn’t have to say that the new unit had already been told my orientation, and didn’t agree with me being there.

It made me come to a crossroad and a choice.

I could go back into my shell, or I could finally just be my authentic self and roll on.

I chose to be me.

I chose to stand up when they’d make fun of me.

I chose to draw the line in the sand.

That was the choice that made all the difference. I found friends, I found a spot at the table and to speak up at command meetings and voice the experience.

I would bring a date to the command holiday parties, and picnics.  The stigma was still there and the attitude that I wasn’t a “Real Soldier” was still there, but in time it all faded. 

Looking back, I am glad that I came out.

I am glad I found a voice. It allowed me to truly be me and know myself.

And once I knew myself…..I learned to love myself.

That’s when I started finally being able to love others who were not ready to love themselves.

That’s when I knew the power of not just self-advocacy, but the power of advocating for a community.

Jerad “JT” Knight is an Army veteran turned Navy Spouse. He is an advocate for mental health and self-care in our military community, a champion of male military spouse voices and experiences, a podcast host, an off (and on) blogger, and a huge fan of SCYFI and super heroes!

Jerad was interviewed in the article How Are Male Spouses Really Doing? Jared is also the 2023 Buckley Space Force Base AFI Military spouse of the year! He brings a funny yet, serious voice to things that impact the military spouse community.

To reach Jared, email us at blog@missionmilspouse.org.

Editor’s Note: We are so happy to have Jerad’s voice on our blog today- Thanks for sharing your story Jerad! Check out our Expert Category for more posts from guest authors.