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Emotional Labor of Being a Military Spouse

A few years ago, I read an article about emotional labor. The author described her experience of asking for one simple gift for Mother’s Day. She wanted someone to deep clean her home. Her husband waited until the last minute, then decided it was too expensive. In addition, he couldn’t find a cleaning service for the day he wanted, so instead, he “cleaned” the bathrooms leaving her to watch their children destroy the rest of the house.

He thought he gave her the gift she wanted.

What she really wanted was someone else to do the research, find a reputable house cleaner, determine a fair market value, and arrange for the service to happen. The gift was not in the actual cleaning, but in the time and energy it took to set up the service.

Can I relate to that? Oh, my fellow military spouse friends, I could have written that article myself.

Have You Heard of Emotional Labor?

Emotional labor was originally coined for responsibilities in the workplace but has morphed into other meanings, including the toll of daily tasks and responsibilities placed on the primary caregiver or one who handles the domestic activities. These tasks are undervalued or unrecognized as carrying much importance, but if overlooked can cause ripples of chaos and disorganization in our lives.

Emotional labor daily tasks and responsibilities placed on the primary caregiver or one who handles the domestic activities.

Often they aren’t even considered when you think about the work you do each day, but they absolutely factor into our stress levels, anxiety, daily tasks, mental capacity, and feelings of loneliness.

Tell me which of these examples resonate with you:

  • “Those wine glasses have water spots on them. Better wipe them down before our friends come this weekend.”
  • “If I don’t fold the laundry, those shirts are going to be super wrinkly.”
  • “I’d better make dental appointments for the kids because I know their 6-month checkup is coming soon.”
  • “Here comes my chatty neighbor. Put on a smile and get ready for a long talk.”
  • “Better pull out the meat so it’s thawed in time to pop it in the crockpot for dinner tomorrow.”
  • “Oh, I need to put that whitening toothpaste my spouse wanted to try on the shopping list.”
  • “Mother-in-law’s birthday is next week. Better buy a card and make sure everyone pens a thoughtful note.”

I’m guessing you can relate to most of these examples or apply the theme to something in your own life. You might even be thinking that all of these potentially apply to you in a single day with another list of similar examples that will happen tomorrow. We’re responsible for all the little bits and pieces that have to get done to keep the happy status quo for our children, our service members, our extended families, and our military community.

Military Spouses Know the Struggle

While it isn’t just military spouses that carry the burden of emotional labor, in addition to normal day to day things, we do have a different category of tasks that can be exhausting and frustrating because there’s a weight of responsibility to keep things easy for our service members who are risking their lives to protect our country.

Do you feel the weight of that responsibility on your shoulders?

Military spouses carry a particularly heavy load of emotional labor in order to support their service members.

If we wipe the wine glasses down will it keep them safe? Perhaps not directly, but it does relieve the burden of that minute task from their shoulders, leaving them to focus on the mission. We see rising statistics of military spouses struggling with mental health issues, being overstressed, and feeling even lonelier than ever.

Those rising statistics are why we must keep talking.

Talking about how military spouses are the ones that schedule a pack out, move our homes across the country or to new countries, make sure the kids are in a new school, new daycare, new activities, new dentist, doctor, and sports teams.

Recognize that we work or don’t work, but still worry about our contributions to the finances. And whether we work or not still need to make time for tournaments, playdates, entertaining, and school programs.

Let’s not forget our Family Readiness Groups and include our responsibility to mentor, guide, and support other military spouses that we may barely even know. All of that is what allows our service members to deploy without worries or head to training exercises and daily work responsibilities knowing the family is safe and happy.

The Wellness Factor

Unfortunately, the distribution of emotional labor is unlikely to change much anytime soon. It would require gender and family-role reorganization, government policy changes for our service members, different programs, and a completely new mindset for most people. In the meantime, our spouses or children might pick up a task or two extra when it becomes clear that we’re overwhelmed, but it goes so much deeper than just a task or two.

I believe the most important thing is to say out loud to each and every military spouse, “I see you. I understand your struggles. I know the loneliness and the heavy burden you carry.”

When dealing with emotional labor, remember the wellness factor to care for yourself, too.

Me saying this to a fellow military spouse is confirmation of the power behind our community. We understand each other because we’ve been there at some time in our military journey. Our community validates, gives respect, and supports each other in a way that no other organization can. There is a place for all of us. Groups of young new spouses, groups for young parents, groups for working spouses, groups for DIYers or crafters, travelers, and fitness buffs, and groups for transitioning and retiring spouses as well.

Part of maintaining mental wellness is to find that space and involve yourself in the military community so that the support is there.

The bigger impact is to hear those words from our spouses, partners, family members, and military leadership. Some days it’s difficult to believe they understand what I do, why I do it, and how hard it can be. We’re expected—no, required—to be resilient and strong so our service members can do their job effectively. The emotional labor from that requirement is invisible and seems silly when we try and quantify it as itemized task lists like the one above, but the reality is that when it’s all stacked together, it’s significant and impactful to our mental health.

The Answer?

There is no magic solution or immediate answer to fixing emotional labor. Instead, here’s a list of things we can do to help ourselves and our partners better understand what it is and to limit its impact on our well-being:

  1. Don’t negate the struggle. Don’t berate yourself for how you’re feeling or belittle what you’re doing. It’s important. It’s hard. You’re a rockstar.
  2. Don’t hide from the conversation or pretend it isn’t happening. Validation from your spouse that you carry this load is worth a lot.  Recognition is a great start to finding ways to make changes.
  3. Be clear in your expectations for sharing household tasks with your partner and find areas of compromise that offer respite.
  4. It’s okay to take a break or even let something go. Trust that the world won’t fall apart if you don’t do everything.
  5. Balance the stress with the fun. Yeah, I’m talking about self care, date nights, family game nights, taking long walks, and seeking out adventures your family loves.

Above all, keep the conversation going so you can find balance in the must-do daily tasks and the incredible joy that being a military spouse brings.

Author

  • Anna Larson

    Anna Larson is an entrepreneur, copywriter, digital marketer, and marketing strategist. In 2017, she jumped the corporate ship after working for a Fortune 500 company as the director of programs and marketing for 16 years. She started her small business, NomadAbout, to help companies share what they love to do with smart messaging to their customers, strategy-driven content, and all things digital marketing. Anna supports military spouses, entrepreneurs and small businesses by contributing monthly to a number of publications, co-hosting a weekly podcast and livestream business show called 15ish Minute Coffee Chat, and co-leading the Fort Hood chapter of the Association of Military Spouse Entrepreneurs. After 22+ years her family made the leap into military retirement with our two amazing kids + fur baby. In her spare time, she likes to travel the world and have amazing adventures with her family. Connect with Anna on LinkedIn or on social media @iamnomadabout or by visiting her website, www.nomadabout.com.

4 Comments

  1. Sharita Knobloch

    I FEEL THIS IN MY SOUL! All of this, 1000X. Thanks for capturing this tough concept in a way we can understand and communicate it to our life partners.

    Reply
    • Anna Larson

      Thank you, Sharita!

      Reply
  2. Amber

    Thank you so much for this article! Not only for letting me know that other people are feeling this way too, but for presenting a reasonable approach.

    Reply
    • Anna Larson

      Amber, I’m so glad you found this a way forward for you. I know it’s a very hard topic to address and it sometimes feels like there is no remedy!

      Reply

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Life Lessons Learned at a Coffee

Life Lessons Learned at a Coffee

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