A few years ago, I read an article about emotional labor. The author described her experience of asking for one simple gift for Mother’s Day. She wanted someone to deep clean her home. Her husband waited until the last minute, then decided it was too expensive. In addition, he couldn’t find a cleaning service for the day he wanted, so instead, he “cleaned” the bathrooms leaving her to watch their children destroy the rest of the house.
He thought he gave her the gift she wanted.
I carry a bag of titles around with me. Why? So that I’m prepared to be what I need to be in that moment.
I know I’m not alone. Pretty much everyone in the world carries around something similar. Yours might include the words parent, teacher, artist, director, chef, or triathlete. It’s not just about what we do but also who we are. I am _____________. Insert your titles. Are you kind? Aggressive? Loving? Generous? Bold? Impatient?
Growing up, my family had cats as pets. Living on a farm there were a few years I remember a pig, horses, one cow, lots of bunnies, gerbils, a mouse, and one dog we fostered named Sparky Barkle. My father served in the military but didn't make a career of it, so...
I sat on my back porch with my toes in the sun. I was tired, maybe feeling some stress. My kids had given me grief all day long. The dishes were undone. The house a bit of a mess. I had a to-do list a mile long for my clients and a board meeting to prepare for that evening.
Even with all that sitting prominently on my plate, I sat on the back porch and put my toes in the sun.
These are military friendships. They burn hard and fast. We don’t have time for long-term sustained experiences or the slow growth of friendship, and so our military life forces us to assume friendship “rules of engagement” and hard truths.
How many goodbyes have I said? I’m guessing the number is in the thousands. It started when I left home at 17 for my first year of college and will continue long after you read this. When we married, you had eight years of military service under your belt, and I had no idea what I was in for as a military spouse. I learned quickly. I learned that military families are used to saying the word goodbye. You were gone as much as you were home the first five years of our marriage, and while it was never easy, we found a way to make it work for our family.
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