Moving to a new duty station can evoke anxiety, excitement, exhaustion, and trepidation all rolled into one. It can be difficult under the best of circumstances. Despite how much is already on your plate, you know eventually you’ll need to stick your neck out and make new friends.

The question is often how?

It simply isn’t as easy for some of us as it is for others. There might be a million reasons to not put yourself out there just yet, but if you think of this pursuit for new friends like speed dating, it can be less painful and more productive.

When it comes to speed dating, there are five core rules to follow:

1. Be True to Yourself

To master the art of speed dating for friends, take stock of who you really are and what you really want out of a friendship at your new duty station. If you want a friend to be there on your porch for coffee each morning or just for the occasional convo as you text here and there each week, stick to that.

Don’t invite the extrovert on your street over to your place if you don’t want her there regularly. Don’t be the bubbly one suggesting long shopping trips if you don’t enjoy doing that anyway.

Don’t ask someone to go to the gym with you and enroll in a weekly yoga class if you know you’re only going once and done. Don’t join the running group on post, the book club, the mommy and me music class, or similar activity-based groups if that isn’t what brings you joy to begin with. Know what you want to spend your time doing and stick to that unless you’re truly up for something new.

2. Cut to the Chase

Second, cut to the chase. When you encounter a new spouse at your spouse’s function, in the neighborhood, or at the kids’ school, state what you’re looking for plain and simple. I hate shopping. I love book clubs and running. I’m not one for large groups like mass exercise classes.

State what you enjoy, what you don’t, and don’t settle for beating around the bush just to get in a with an established friend group.

You’ll only be presenting a false you and find yourself stressed over finding ways to avoid activities you don’t really want to be doing. Spell out who you are from the start, kids ages and activities, where you’re from, your work or career goals, and what you want—a friend to click with and navigate a new duty station with. You’ve got nothing to lose by being direct and cutting to the chase about yourself and your situation.

3. Trust Your Gut

We’ve all had that moment when our gut said, “Nope, stay away from that one,” and we didn’t listen only to find ourselves strapped to the one spouse on the street or in the company we would avoid if we had a do-over.

We’ve all known that feeling that we knew a friendship wasn’t the healthiest or reciprocal (you’re there for them, but they’re nowhere to be found when you a friend the most), but we told ourselves it was better than no friend at all. There’s no reason to set ourselves up for those stress-inducing or anxiety-causing friendships when we can just listen to our gut.

Nine times out of ten, when you get that feeling that you aren’t going to click, or worse yet, pursuing a friendship with that spouse would be detrimental to your mental health or time spent at a duty station, that feeling is spot on.

Learn to trust your instincts and go with your gut. You’ll find yourself not only avoiding the negative friendships quicker but able to recognize the beneficial ones when that much-needed true friend comes knocking.

4. Learn From Your Mistakes

Don’t beat yourself up over those past friendships that fell apart or never should have been forced to begin with. There’s something to learn from those. Even if the negative outcome or regrettable ending of a past friendship was your fault, learn from it. Be honest with yourself about your role in what happened in the past so you’re better prepared and a better person for the next “ride or die.”

Maybe you simply were a bad friend to someone who needed you. Or maybe you knew someone was bringing out the worst in you rather than making you a better person. Really examine what you could’ve done different and take that knowledge and self-awareness to your new friend hunt.

5. Don’t Give Up

Most importantly, whether you’re just not great at initiating friendships, in a bad place emotionally about your new situation, or feeling hesitant about putting yourself out there at all, it is vital to not give up if you’re going to make the best of a new duty station.

Being closed off only hurts yourself and your family in the long run. We all know our kids are watching how we adapt to new places and situations. How we handle ourselves and try again inspires how they will handle new schools, neighborhoods, and friendships. As with anything in this military life, giving up can’t be the go-to.

Remember how far you’ve come, who’s depending on you and watching you, and muster up the courage and grit to persevere. Take the speed-dating attitude outside to the park, school, new workplace, club or organization, or spouses meeting and get to work on cultivating those treasured friendships.

After all, we all know by now, those friendships are what gets us through the hard times, makes each duty station special, and fills our hearts with appreciation for all this journey has to offer.

*To read more writing from Karri, visit her author page

*Visit our website to gain more insight on this topic and listen to our podcast on Finding Friendships