As military spouses, we often hear “You knew what you were getting into.” In reality, it doesn’t matter if you were a military brat or had any other connection to the military before marriage, nothing can fully prepare you for this life.

And it’s also important to recognize that everyone’s lived experiences will be different during military life. But, over the 20 years of our military journey, I’ve seen a few common threads that I encourage young or new spouses to consider. 

Be curious!

Ask your service member about what they do. How does their role contribute to the mission? How does that fit into the total force?

Ask about rank and organization. Knowing more about what they’re working on also helps understand ops tempo and travel schedules. 

That curiosity is also helpful when it comes to resources.

Visit the Military and Family Readiness Center, or your branch equivalent, to learn about available resources and base programs.

Military life can feel overwhelming, but there are so many programs and resources available — if you know they’re out there! 

Communicate with your spouse

Early on, I shared with my spouse that I wanted to know timelines (like those when promotion packages are to go up or deployment buckets open) or the “possibles” — the situations that may or may not happen, but things that would throw me off if they popped unexpectedly.

Some of the other things might include their long-term career goals, career requirements (training or schools), unique opportunities that they might be considering applying for (hot jobs or development opportunities), deployment buckets, and VMLs. 

Much of military life is not in the control of the service member, but there are a lot of things that they have options to apply for.

When you’re aware of these opportunities or if you know about things that are coming up, it helps you to feel ahead of the curve. 

Be yourself

Don’t feel like you need to change yourself for anyone or anything. Long gone are the days of pearls and tea parties.

Military spouses of today come from all backgrounds, embrace io not feel pigeonholed or pressured to be someone who doesn’t feel like you.

If you want to volunteer for the unit and plan events, do it! If you’d prefer to attend events and do your own thing, that’s fine!

I was a chronic volunteer for a long time making it almost a full-time job, and I still stay connected and volunteer — but now it’s only for the activities and events I am passionate about.

Do as much or as little or as much as you’d like.

If you want to have a career, know that there will be challenges that come along with it, but go for it! 

Ask for help

I will admit, this one was a hard one for me. I prided myself on exhausting all avenues before actually asking for help.

I was a Key Spouse, I was “the one who knows things” so I felt sheepish asking anyone else to assist.

But especially in the last couple of years, I saw that others want to help. Lean on friends and neighbors to help you when things go awry. 

Establish relationships to build support systems when there isn’t an emergency.

If you have those networks in place, it’s much easier to ask for help when there is a bigger situation; you may not even need to ask for help — the spouse network may just assemble and show up at your doorstep. 

Military life is not all roses and rainbows.

There are plenty of thorns and rain clouds. I also cannot imagine any other life.

There is a special bond between military families. Like most situations, military life is what you make of it.

Remember that the journey is different for everyone. 

*For more from Sheila, check out her MM Author Page.