Military Spouse and Caregiver Lauren Fagan breaks down self-care for us. 

With motherhood, being a wife, caregiving, everyday routines, and my love language being “acts of service,” self-care had become foreign to me.

This lasted for years. I still look back and wonder what part of me didn’t think that I deserved moments of peace, doing things that I wanted to do that benefitted my mental and physical health.

I was always putting myself last.

Whether it was something as important as doctor’s appointments or something as simple as being the last one to eat, I have always found it challenging to extend myself the time and grace that I need.

Needs aren’t always a means of survival.

They extend to barely scraping by and giving so much of yourself to others that you can’t seem to keep your head above water.

Whoever said, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” is a liar. I did it for years. I even birthed three babies during this time of self-neglect. 

Recently, I had the honor of being a guest on the Hope For The Warriors Podcast and talked to the host, Kate Dudley,. about my alcoholism a bit.

“My name is Lauren, and I am an alcoholic.”

I’ve said it hundreds of times in the rooms of AA, in alcohol detox and treatment, and to family and friends when I explain that I no longer drink.

It’s the truth and a truth that I am not ashamed of because I lied to myself about it for way too long.

The truth is one of the great things you learn about yourself through addiction. My truth is that after nearly seven years of living without alcohol, I decided that my “self-care” would be a glass of wine “every now and then.”

My lack of understanding of what self-care truly meant sent me and my decisions down a long spiral in the downward direction. 

I learned in treatment that I had to pay more attention to myself and my needs.

Since this month is self-care month, I wanted to shed some light on who I am; the real me who struggles with addiction, who used to feel sorry for herself, who let depression sneak into the holes where I could have filled them with things that would give me joy, peace, and comfort.

I say this because I know the struggles that come with this life, and I am here to tell you that it is possible to turn it around and create a better life for yourself and your family.

If you struggle with addiction, there are many resources and respite for you, my friend.

You deserve to be sober and happy! 

Since I had to discover new things that bring me happiness a little late in life, I wanted to share them here.

If you’re struggling, give some of your passions a shot!

You won’t be disappointed. If you must force yourself to like it, you don’t really like it. If you like it and aren’t good at it, that’s your opinion. Keep practicing, sis!

Be your own hype man and get a circle of friends to join you! 

As it turns out, I love art.

I love to paint, draw, charcoal, watercolor, doodle, and make things with my hands.

I painted a lot as a kid but let it go somewhere in my early twenties. Twenty years later, I’m back at it!

I even sell some of my pieces in local boutiques now! 

It’s so fun to experiment with different mediums and styles! I’ve learned that I should never give up when I start a piece and don’t like it.

Because just like me, I have always been able to tweak it and improve it to turn it into something I love!

Writing is a passion that I completely let go of.

Last year, a wonderful friend of mine lost her husband to suicide. She had always kept a “gratitude journal” and told me about several times after his death that the journal served as such a beautiful reminder of their love and life together.

I have been very intentional about doing the same, keeping a journal and numbering each day, and simply writing what I am thankful for. It is nice to reflect on the day and the things in my life that I sometimes take for granted.

But mostly, it’s nice to point out the positive things that have happened because this almost always overshadows the hard days. 

Plants. Oh, the plants.

Did you know that there is a plant group on Facebook where you can buy plants, and they ship them to you?! Well, now you do.

I have started a rare plant collection. I love nurturing plants and watching them grow, propagating, and learning about the different species of plants.

It fascinates me, and I have genuinely enjoyed diving into this hobby and the surrounding community!

Fitness is a massive part of who I am.

I must be and stay active to keep my mental health stable. Taking 30 minutes daily to lift weights or get some CrossFit in has been so beneficial.

I feel better, I am strong, I am healthy, and I am happy!

Nutrition is equally important because you are what you eat. Taking baby steps and small changes in the right direction to incorporate healthier options and choices pushed my body to its natural composition.

I don’t want to be skinny; I want to be healthy and strong.  Healthy is the feel-good key! 

There is something that you have been thinking of doing, and there is no better time than now to give this to yourself: that thing that you have been wanting to do.

Try it! Get started!

Self-Care is now familiar to me.

I realize the importance of taking care of myself. The reason is simple: I am important and worth it, and so are you.

It is not selfish to take that time.

I recommend that you make a list of things that interest you and start chipping away at those items individually in a way that makes sense.

Establishing a feasible routine that gives you no choice but to schedule that activity for yourself will ensure you don’t find a reason to skip it. Make it known that this time is not negotiable if you need to. 

Self-care isn’t selfish. It’s essential. You deserve it. 

About the Author 

Lauren Fagan is a veteran spouse and caregiver. Her husband, Osee, was an active-duty reconnaissance Marine for 17 years and has multiple combat-related injuries.

They have been together for nearly fifteen years and have four amazing children.

Lauren is a schoolteacher by trade and loves reading, writing, creating, living the mermaid life, and being anywhere with her family. She is an active church member; you can usually find her working in the children’s ministry there.  

Lauren has a strong passion for helping veterans and has advocated for her husband and others through the nonprofit that she and her husband founded in 2017 in NE Florida called “Operation Barnabas, Inc.”

The Fagan’s relocated back to North Carolina in 2021 and continue to assist veterans and their families through the “SpearIt Veteran Spearfishing Project.”  

Lauren has written several blogs for Hope For The Warriors and hopes that in sharing her experiences as a caregiver and veteran spouse, the positive impact on other caregivers will be helpful and encouraging in some of their most trying times.  

Lauren’s outlook has drastically changed with the seasons and transitions in her life.  Seeing the beauty in each one has been pivotal in her mental health and the happiness of their family.  

*Read more from Hope For The Warriors on our M:M Blog Page.