*Join Blogger LaVaughn Ricci as she chronicles the emotional cycles of deployment. This is Part Four. Click these links to go back to Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
Part Four, Deployment: Anticipation of Return
We just weren’t ready for my husband’s mid-tour leave. We had worked our way through several stages in the emotional cycle of deployment: the ever-so-challenging pre-deployment phases of anticipation of departure and detachment and withdrawal; the strenuous deployment phase of emotional disorganization, then the liberating deployment phase of recovery and stabilization. It was inevitable we next reach the deployment phase of anticipation of return.
Not every deployed serviceman or women will have an opportunity to return home for a mid-tour leave. It’s usually only for those whose deployments range longer than nine months. My husband was slotted for twelve months, so he decided to take the leave offered to him.
He was excited to come back to see us and have a break from the long hours overseas.
For some reason, the kids and I weren’t quite feeling the same.
It threw me off that we were feeling anxious over mid-tour leave, when I expected we wouldn’t feel these emotions until my husband’s final homecoming. Alas, it struck us all quite hard.
So the children wouldn’t get confused, I explained ahead of time that Daddy would have the privilege to come home for a visit, but after a couple of weeks, he would have to go back overseas to complete his assignment. As we counted down to his return, I sensed a lot of anxiety in the children.
They were still confused, asking many questions, and didn’t seem excited for their daddy to come home. One child finally spewed, “He shouldn’t come back home at all if he just has to leave again.”
Honestly, I understood. I was feeling the same anxiety. I didn’t want my husband coming back when we were finally on a roll. We had worked so hard to reach a good place in the deployment and we were doing well.
Now, my husband’s leave was going to change it all.
I started realizing that my friends who had spouses gone for six or nine-month tours maybe had a good thing going. Their spouses were gone for longer durations at one time, but when they returned home, they were home for good. My friends wouldn’t have to prepare all over again for their husband to leave. They woudn’t have to worry about these intensely difficult transitions.
Maybe the grass just seemed greener…Whether we liked it or not, my husband’s leave was set, and he was on his way.
We hadn’t lived in our new house long before my husband had to deploy. Once he left, I did some more unpacking on my own and I made my own decisions on what I wanted on the walls this time around.
There were less of my husband’s awards, less war prints, and a few family photos in their place instead. I gained a few more houseplants, some decorative trays, and now that the kids were finally old enough to leave things alone, I added a few fragile decorative pieces that had been stored for so long.
I remember feeling quite stressed the day before picking up my husband from the airport.
I knew he would care less about how the house was decorated or how messy it was. But somehow I cared greatly. I had been tirelessly working to make our home welcoming and pleasant and I wanted it to be that way for him too.
I had scrubbed the house from top to bottom, and the day of I ran around picking up all the last little things the kids had “rearranged” for me.
I made sure we were all dressed in our best, and we anxiously took off for the airport.
Once my children reconnected with their daddy, most of the anxiety seemed to dissipate. Though I was feeling comfortable too, we still had to feel things out. What was my husband up for? Should we go out to eat at his favorite restaurant?
Did he just want to go sleep and work out the jet lag?
What should we talk about first?
In time, it seemed to all work itself out and we felt like he had never left us.
I did have some worries that my husband wouldn’t appreciate our new schedule. I questioned whether we should pause all our activities so we could just enjoy him. But we also wanted him to experience our new activities and see what our new life was like. Some servicemen and women struggle with the fact that life back home doesn’t stop when they are gone.
It can be difficult for them to be confronted with so many changes. I decided I shouldn’t stop everything just because my husband was home on leave. We had our weekly homeschool community meetings, a school schedule to keep up with, ninja classes, dance classes, and a few appointments.
It was not only important for my husband to be part of that, but it was also important for me to keep things as normal as possible while my he was home, so when he went back, the children wouldn’t feel a drastic change all over again.
It wasn’t all routine, though!
We made time for a lovely, relaxing beach vacation near one of our old homes and reconnected with beautiful friends. It felt like things went back to normal quite seamlessly.
The children were sleeping better, and since I had a little extra help with their care and housework, I was also sleeping better.
The only thing that I hadn’t been prepared for was some awful separation anxiety in the children. Any time their daddy left for an errand, to go work-out, or if they couldn’t find him in the house quickly enough, they panicked, “Did Daddy go overseas again?” “Where’s Daddy?” “When will Daddy be back?”
My heart hurt for their inability to feel fully secure. Thankfully, these questions eased up the longer my husband was home, and the children were mostly happy during his time with us.
My husband’s mid-tour leave came to an end so quickly. It almost seemed silly to me that the kids and I had felt so anxious in the beginning. Sure, we had a few small things to work out, but for the most part life was enjoyable and normal.
Until it was time for the dreaded “see-ya-laters.”
Again.
And the emotional meltdowns started…
All over again.
It took several days for the children and me to get back to our new normal, when we had been feeling confident in our routine. But the bad dreams returned. The children were up more at night, so I wasn’t sleeping well either. I had to go back to balancing everything solo, and deal with all the behavioral issues again.
I’m honestly not sure we ever got back into as great of a routine as we had before my husband’s leave. We found ways to manage and felt okay most of the time. But this last period was just tough! We were done and were ready for my husband to be home for good.
After several more months, we prepared for his permanent return.
This time around, the children and I weren’t feeling the same kind of anxiety. It surprised me, but I think we were all so burnt out from deployment status, that we just couldn’t wait for my husband to return. This time around, I didn’t go crazy cleaning the house or worrying what he thought about the decorations or our full schedule of activities.
But we were also due to PCS. And before that, my husband would have to fit in a month-long TDY to train for his new job. We didn’t have time to process much. We were just so very excited for him to have completed the deployment so now we could focus on the next things coming at us.
In our personal, unique situation, the final homecoming wasn’t as tense. My husband and I didn’t have time to get upset about all the silly adjustments that take place. He soon left for TDY and I prepped the children, myself, and our home for our PCS.
Many of you reading this may not have been able to experience a mid-tour leave with your spouse.
Quite possibly, your spouse endured a four, six, or nine-month deployment with no vacation so all your anxiety went towards his/her permanent return. Some of you may have experienced something similar to us, where you prepared for a mid-tour leave and again prepared for a permanent return.
Maybe you felt the same level of anxiety in both instances, when our family personally felt the highest anxiety for only the mid-tour leave. Experiences and emotions can vary, and these transitions and adjustments look a little different for everyone. In time, it truly does work itself out! Stay patient!
You got this, my friend!
*Keep your eye out next month for my continuation on this series, as I cover the emotions during deployment.
Dear Reader,
Are you feeling the same? I want you to know these are perfectly normal stages and feelings of deployment – and they are temporary! You are not alone, and you will overcome these challenges. Please seek help if needed. Talk to a friend, a chaplain or pastor, and try these websites to discover a plethora of information on deployment resources, help for military children, freebies for children of deployed parents, special events near you, and more!
Military and Family Life Counseling (MFLC)
United Service Organizations (USO)
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