Driving down what seemed to be a dark endless highway under the stars, my husband patiently answered my questions as I followed behind our rental truck.

“What are those blinking red lights? Is that an airstrip?” I asked.

“No, honey. “That’s a lane for semi-trucks” he replied trying hard not to laugh.

The 35-mile drive to the gate at Fort Irwin, CA seemed to take forever. As we passed painted rock and the infamous Coyote, the realization that we were in the middle of nowhere, and this was my FIRST duty station as an Army spouse, hit like a ton of rocks (pun intended).

That morning, the sun rose over the beautiful Mojave and the next chapter of our lives began. 

We had married a few months earlier in what seemed a whirlwind romance. Both recently divorced, neither of us were looking for new relationships, but looking for friendships in our area. My husband was deployed, and we bonded in an online group over a conversation about our local area, Colorado Springs.

We chatted over email for weeks until one day he asked if I had ever heard of ‘Skype’? I had not but was very intrigued. I asked a co-worker about this new technology, she laughed, then offered up her account (and computer) so we could have a video call. I nervously sat in an office at work while the call connected.

He answered… OMG he answered!

From the first moment I saw him and his smile, I knew we would be married. 

 It felt like months in-between emails and calls, this was unknowingly my first taste of deployment. Finally, it was time for him to come home. In true deployment fashion, a volcano eruption (yes, a volcano) delayed his return. After a series of other events, he finally returned. We both came into our new relationship with children, one might say we were the Brady Bunch of the Army- except with all boys.

Our combined family total was 5 boys, ages 10 to 1. As we learned each other’s personalities and family dynamics, the date grew closer for him to PCS. Although many thought we were crazy, we decided we could not be apart and tied the knot. 

Two years into our time at Fort Irwin, my father was diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Knowing my mom would need help, the children and I moved back home. PCS time was upon us again and we waited patiently for orders. With every star in the sky perfectly aligning, my husband received orders back to Fort Carson, Colorado.

Sadly, in 2013 my father passed. We continued to live in the Denver area while my husband commuted 90 miles each way every day, for almost 4 years. 

Our time at Fort Carson seemed to go fast, but, like they say, all good things must come to an end.

However, this end came with orders to Korea (unaccompanied). A few months in, we decided it would be fun for me to come visit over the Labor Day weekend. Korea was amazing! The people, the food, the culture, the shopping! I loved every minute. 

Shortly after my return, I noticed I was late for my monthly visitor. I took a pregnancy test, POSITIVE!!! It was so hard to believe; we had been trying forever with no luck, and all it took was a quick visit to Korea for our little dumpling to make his appearance.

I had a healthy and uneventful pregnancy up until the last month when anxiety and depression started to set in. I figured it was due to the stress of getting ready for our baby, my husband coming home from deployment, and of course, our PCS orders. My husband made it home safely and was there for our sons birth. I was so incredibly thankful.

Postpartum anxiety (PPA) hit me, and I was scared.

After hiding my anxiety for a few weeks, I finally broke down and asked for help. I had experienced PPA in my previous pregnancies, but this time, it was worse. To make things even more complicated, my husband was PCSing to Fort Sam-Houston, TX at the end of the month.

Because of our blended family dynamics, I needed to stay behind with the children. My husband and our third oldest packed up the U-haul and drove away. I can only imagine how he felt having to leave his emotionally unstable wife and newborn behind. Days went by, the medication started working, and I made progress with therapy. I returned to work when our baby was 8 weeks old; this helped as it gave me something to focus on other than the intruding thoughts that frequented my brain at home. 

 We visited as much as we could and my husband would drive home when he was able. About 6 months into his assignment a Facebook messenger call rang, I answered it. It was a battle buddy of his calling to congratulate him on his acceptance to the Sergeant Major Academy.

My heart dropped. I knew what this meant. I called my husband who had not read his email to receive the news. While the selection was amazing and I was so proud, there was a part of me that was also crushed. 

Soon after the notice, we were packing up in San Antonio and driving to El Paso.

Being that the academy was only about a year long, we decided it was best that the children and I stay in Colorado. This was the beginning of year three apart, and we were settling into the routine. Living separately takes lots of effort, compassion, and understanding. After Christmas of 2018, my postpartum anxiety returned with a vengeance. I was again navigating these feelings while trying to maintain our homelife. Medication and therapy were now a staple for my wellbeing.

Graduation was upon us and orders to Fort Riley, Kansas were in hand. YES! Kansas, finally, somewhere close to “home”, but there was more. Shortly after arrival, my husband would leave for Poland. Alright, here comes year 5 apart… at this point this was our norm.

My husband was scheduled to return from Poland mid-April 2019, however, COVID had a different plan. During the lockdown period- we decided enough was enough and we needed to all live under the same roof. When we told my two boys, who were the only school-age kids in the house, that we were moving to Kansas they were less than excited. 

They wanted to stay in Colorado. They did not want to move. I had to make a choice, stay in Colorado and our young son keep missing important developmental time with his dad, or respect the older children’s decision and let them stay in Colorado with their biological dad and we move to Kansas.

We moved to Kansas.

Now, I have to say, this was and continues to be one of the most gut wrenching, heart breaking, soul crushing decisions I’ve ever made. Our boys understood and supported our family choice, which makes it more bearable.

Fort Riley is the hidden gem of Army posts.

I highly recommend it!  Oddly enough, I met my best friend who too was in the same situation, living separately from her daughter from a prior relationship. Her compassion and understanding of the heartache made those two years better.  For now, this is our home.

We are excited to see our family thrive and what Army adventures await!

*This is Rebecca’s first piece for M:M. We are excited to have her in the Band of Bloggers.

*For more information about Fort Irwin, Fort Riley, or Fort Bliss – check out our Embrace Your Base Blog Category.