What this “most of the time” Introvert wants you to know.

This is NMR but as I get further from military spouse life, I find myself naturally getting further from my military spouse life experiences.

Unsurprisingly, this makes it a little difficult to always write about military spouse life related things but I also figure since I was a military spouse for twenty years, anything I write about can be considered military spouse life adjacent. 

I began working with someone a little less than a year ago who is a self-proclaimed extrovert and is fascinated with introverts and how they operate.

She will often ask me questions about things I say, usually clarifying questions followed up with some sort of exclaiming statement about how she wouldn’t have thought about it like that.

I would like to say I’m equally fascinated with her extroverted-ness but having been surrounded by them most of my life, extroverts are not new to me. 

I’ve learned a lot about personalities over my short time in this life.     

For example, while I say I’m an introvert, I consider myself to be more of an ambivert, which is a balance of an extrovert and an introvert. It is not as common a term, however, so I use introvert more often.

I know some people try not to define themselves with only one or two words, but I really feel using introvert helps people better understand why I sometimes am the way I am.

I also find flat out explaining that “I did this thing with lots of people earlier today/yesterday and I am drained mentally/physically which is why I’m not quite altogether right now,” also really seems to help explain. 

As my coworker asks me questions about being an introvert, I thought I might try to explain a little about what it’s like- at least for me.

And these things aren’t necessarily attributed to ONLY being an introvert but, for me, I find they often go hand in hand.           

As an introvert, I’m usually in my own head. This can mean several different things: 

• It can mean I’m just not feeling the conversation we are having.

This could be because I’m physically tired, it could be because I’m mentally tired or it could mean I don’t care about the topic or don’t know enough about the topic to really be in the conversation. It could also mean I can’t get a word in edgewise, so I don’t contribute.  

• It can mean I’m thinking about everything that is happening around me (or even something that happened around me recently but is not currently happening around me) and how I fit into all of it.

This is a dangerous spot to be in because it can lead to negative thoughts and most likely untrue characterizations about myself and how I fit into all of it.

• Just because I’m not participating in the conversation doesn’t mean I’m not interested or that I have nothing to say. 

Since I’m being honest, this could mean it’s because there are too many people, and that people are talking a lot- probably over one another too. This is a huge pet peeve of mine and I will likely be more reserved than usual. 

• I might have a lot to say on the current topic but it can be difficult for me to verbalize sometimes.

I can often write paragraphs upon paragraphs but when it comes to articulating thoughts out loud, I can stumble on speaking actual words. Especially if I’m new to you. (Oh, and paragraphs also take time to create.) 

• I don’t mind small talk. 

If there is potential for us to be friends, I can small talk like no one’s business. Potential to be friends means you’re around my age, we seem to have similar interests and circles, and you have a dry sense of humor like me.

If we just met at a thing and there is no real potential for us to see one another again anytime in the near future (i.e. you are the cousin who is visiting a friend), I will maybe make polite small talk but know that it is crushing my soul to do so. 

• Speaking of soul crushing small talk…I do mind small talk if there is no give and take.

I met a woman the other day at a luncheon (I happened to be seated next to her- never met her before in my life.) She was older and definitely an extrovert. We chatted briefly but then she went back to talking with her friend on the other side of her.

I had no interest in continuing the conversation with her because she had done all.the.talking.

I know more about her than she does about me. This is polite small talk. It is physically exhausting for me to have conversations like this. I don’t expect the conversation to solely revolve around me either. Give and take- like I said. 

• If I’m having a conversation with you, whether we just met or we’ve met before, know that I have in my arsenal a standard set of questions that I have at the ready to ask you.

If you either don’t answer them or give me one word/sentence answers and move on, I’m going to move through them fairly quick and likely internally begin to panic a bit because I’m running out of things to ask.

I can ask new questions based on the answers you give me to my initial questions (because that is how conversation works) but if there isn’t enough information being given back for whatever reason, this may end up being a problem.

I find this seemingly occurs when people don’t want to necessarily talk about themselves, when they’d rather ask you all the questions, (or if they don’t really want to talk to you).

This is all frustrating in its own right because I don’t want to monopolize the conversation (although one could argue that since I’m being asked the questions, I’m not) and because I genuinely want to know about what’s going on with you, and if you don’t want to talk to me, then politely excuse yourself.

(Side note: if I’m not asking you questions about you, it’s because I’m likely exhausted and my brain is not functioning properly at that moment. I apologize to those I did that to recently at my dad’s retirement party. That was a loonnng people filled weekend and I’m only now getting back to normal a week later.)

Perhaps I need to have more grace for people. 

• I don’t think I know everything. (Being quiet often equates with introverted-ness and being quiet can often be misinterpreted as a know-it-all attitude.)   

I tend to get involved with things that I do well and am interested in. I tend to have opinions about these things (sometimes strong opinions) and that can come across in a way I never intended.

I know I can’t control how people respond but I can be aware of myself and modify accordingly. I am a big believer of the “If you’re going to do something, do it well” philosophy and perhaps this is where this misconception of me comes from. 

• Physical touch is not my love language.

But if it is yours and we are friends, I’m not going to NOT hug you. I just won’t initiate it.

And in keeping with the honesty bit, it gets old after a while of being known as the person who “sarcastically likes hugs”. If you know me and you introduce me to someone new, please don’t lead with this.

I do have a decent sense of humor about myself and that can sometimes include this but please err on the side of caution.    

I often find myself thinking about different personality characteristics and almost wish I had known about them when I was younger. It explains so much about myself and truly allows me to be comfortable with who I am. 

Maybe I can tie this back into military spouse life after all.

When I think about the different personalities people have and the different people I have met over the course of my life, it does make me wonder what my life would have been like had my husband not been in the military.

I know I would still be an introvert/ambivert but I’m curious, had I not met my very extroverted friend Lauren, would I be more introverted than ambiverted?

Had I not stumbled into the group of like-minded civilians/military/retired military people while we were in Florida, would I be as involved in our passion project as I am today?

I am fairly confident if I had not met the Mothers of Multiples group in Prince William County when the twins were just toddlers, I’d be a very different mother of multiples. (Same goes for meeting every mother of multiples I’ve met since then (and there has been a LOT of them)- you all know who you are.)

Every person I’ve met over the course of my life has left some sort of imprint on me, admittedly, some larger than others.

I think about my group of overseas Naples PWOC ladies often even though we don’t chat hardly as much anymore. I remember the spouses in the first spouse group I was ever in (even though I don’t remember most of their names) and how they took me under their wings. 

I recently connected a new spouse of a Marine Corps band member who is headed overseas shortly with another military spouse I know who is in the same location she is headed.

Before I signed off their chat, I left her with some general advice that I’ll leave here. I told her that being overseas is truly what you make of it.

I mean, life is generally what you make of it too, but military spouse life is absolutely what you make of it. You will meet people with all sorts of different personalities- some you will get along with fabulously and others not so much.

Make sure to learn from the ones you don’t mesh with. They are how you make something of it.

*For more from Erin, check out her M:M Expert Author Page. To read more about being an introverted military spouse, click HERE.