We have nearly escaped the unknown and have upgraded it to the “known” unknown. At my last writing, our PCS marketplace had yet to come out, and was delayed by two full months. The future is still not clear.

The anxiety of waiting crept in. My husband and I sat down and looked at the list.

As he read off our options, I cried.

There were few glimmers of hope, but nothing that I had wished for exactly. My dream was to go back to the east coast and to live in NoVa (northern Virginia) near Washington D.C. or on Fort Belvoir.

But it wasn’t on the list.

It’s been 12 years since I last lived in Virginia. But something about NoVa has always appealed to me. Perhaps it is the proximity to our nations capitol, or the resources of Walter Reed. I can’t put my finger quite on it, but that’s been a wish for many years.

We discussed our future choices, and some I found to be at odds with my own personal beliefs.

I can’t imagine allowing my kids to be educated in certain states in the extremely tense political climate that exists in many places in our country. Knowing some of these states rank extremely low for literacy and the chance for a quality education made my skin crawl.

Many thoughts took over my mind and my anxiety became high, thinking they maybe we’d find ourselves some place I would never want to be.

For a few days after we looked at the list, I found myself buried deep in my thoughts and fears.

The glimmer of hope on this list is a place we’ve already lived, and where our oldest son was born. In fact, it is also the place where I started to write for Army Wife Network, before it became Mission Milspouse, a decade ago.

It would be easy to say it here, but I will refrain.

I worry I will jinx our chances.

I shudder to think that maybe we wont be cleared by EFMP, even though I know the resources are there.

There are definitely trade offs if we do go back to our first choice. The distance from our family is the biggest.

Traveling is difficult and expensive, especially now with two children to consider.

I worry that my nostalgia and reality don’t match.

Starting over once again lingers on my mind, and fuels my anxieties. Facing new challenges, like finding a safe and worthy school for my kids in a safe neighborhood that’s close to base.

I wonder how much it has changed since I lived there.

But for the last 15 years, this has been my life: worrying, moving, changing, adapting, finding relief, and doing it all over again.

I know whatever happens and wherever we go, we will find our place in our new reality. I can only hope it is in the place I wish it to be.

*For more from Mary, check our her M:M Author Page.

*For another perspective on this topic, read The Duty Station Not Taken.