As reserve spouses, we often find ourselves geographically isolated from the greater military community. We are hours from the closest military installation meaning we don’t have access to the same support, community, and resources that many of our active-duty counterparts take for granted.

Things like spouse clubs, FRGs, and other similar groups are tough to come by for some making it challenging to find our community.

Even within our reserve spouse community, we have varying experiences and desires for connection to the military community. This is often based on our spouses’ duty status and deployment status.

Through all the different duty statuses my husband has had, I have always longed for an engaging community that understands what I am going through as a military spouse.

Don’t get me wrong civilian family and friends are great, but when I am sick and tired of the Army sending my husband TDY, I need someone to talk to. This also applies to drill weekend always falling on my birthday weekend (going on 13 years), or annual training ruining any hopes of a summer vacation.

So how do we find that community?

Well, there isn’t one magical process, at least not that I have found, and it depends on where you are. I hope you continue reading with me as I dive into my experiences with finding community, the good, bad, and the ugly.

In all the years, and different stages of my husband’s military career the opportunities for community connection varied greatly depending on the unit. Early in his career, we were assigned to a unit on a major installation, without any type of FRG or unit activities.

We were with this unit for over 7 years and my husband was in every type of duty status, from the one weekend-a-month soldier to a 3-year stateside mobilization where he was considered active duty.

I longed to know other spouses and significant others and to find a connection to the community. I felt like an outsider. Everywhere I looked I was met with closed doors, including the base spouse club.

Now, I’m not sharing this to dishearten anyone looking for community, I am sharing this for others that might be reading, wanting to learn more about reserves or want to foster a welcoming environment for all military spouses. 

At that time and place, I had to find my community outside the gate, that’s when I remembered the Daughters of the American Revolution (DAR).

I began researching my ancestors, attending local chapter meetings, and getting involved which lead to some of the community that I was desperately searching for on base.

Many of the women involved in DAR are veterans themselves, military spouses now retired spouses, or patriotic supporters so I was making connections that were adding value to my life and filling the void I couldn’t fill on base.

Plus by joining the DAR I knew that there are chapters all across the country and even overseas so I would always have a welcoming community waiting for me when we had to move on to the next unit. 

Shortly after I began my research we found out my husband was going to be taking a job with a unit in Arizona that would also be deploying.

At that moment I knew that I would need to create an FRG to provide the families with the community and support that I longed for, while at the same time finding my new DAR home to continue with the community that I had found.

Sometimes, units or locations just need someone to step up and create the community, but trust me I know that is not the answer for everyone. I decided that having a connection to the military community during deployment was something that I wasn’t going to keep from these families and if no one else was willing to do it, I would.

So I did, and it was a success with over 13 volunteers spread across the country. Did I forget to mention that our unit was made up of soldiers from New York to Hawaii even though the unit was based in Arizona?

Yeah, it was, so don’t let where you are stationed limit where you find community.

You can have community and connection to the families in your unit even if you are geographically separated from them, it just takes a little creativity. 

When my husband came back from deployment and was on leave we found out that he got accepted into the Active Guard Reserve (AGR) Program, which is an active duty program for Guard and Reserve soldiers to work full-time in support of the military.

We were headed to Illinois and another unit without an FRG. Once we arrived I made it known to the family readiness staff in the building and the company commander that I was willing to volunteer, but nothing ever came of it.

You have to remember that the FRG is a command program and it is up to the unit commander to offer and run it. So I went and found my new DAR home, and called the USO to see what programs they offered that reserve spouses can participate in despite having negative experiences in the past with the USO in other states. 

That phone call started an amazing relationship with the USO, but it also helped shape programming to support reserve component families.

When the pandemic hit they shifted events to being virtual and kept that community and connection going when so many people were struggling to find it. Their virtual programs during COVID and after were just what I needed to feel a sense of community.

Community, even military community can be found for us reserve spouses, we just have to search a little harder sometimes. I have learned over the years that if an event isn’t open or inclusive in advertising ask, and if the answer is still no ask what programs they do open or offer. Sometimes it just takes someone being brave enough to ask. 

Then we had the unique opportunity to be stationed at a base for a year for my husband to attend a school. This was an incredible opportunity to build a community that we’ve never had.

We lived on base, I had the chance to try my luck with the spouse club again, and it was so much fun. I’m so glad I decided to approach a spouse club again despite being turned away before. That year filled my cup with friendships and in-person connections with other military spouses in a way that had never been met.

So if you are a reserve spouse living near a base, or that has the opportunity to in the future please test it out. If you are an active duty spouse reading, please welcome reserve spouses to your clubs with open arms.

We can learn a lot from each other and we are all just looking for a space to belong and connect with others.

We are now living in a very remote location without an FRG or any other kinds of programs for spouses again.

I have found my DAR home and have made some connections, but to be honest, after a year of so much connection, this last year of isolation has been hard.

Now I am relying heavily on my online community to feel connected to the greater military community.

My online military community has always been in the background over the years, supplementing as needed for various connections, but now they are my lifeline.

We are stationed in the mountains, about an hour or more from everything, and most of the AGRs at our unit geobach, and most of the TPUs live far away.

This has left us standing on the outside of a very small and close-knit community without a way in. If it weren’t for the DAR I honestly wouldn’t have any in-person connections outside of my family.

I am grateful for the decision I made years ago to join the DAR because for some military spouses military life is extremely isolating without programs, resources, or support organizations being local or accessible to us.  

Whether you are in a place where you have deep roots and a strong community or shallow roots and an online support system I hope you know there are ways to feel connections and be a part of a community.

I also hope that you have a military community that you are connected to so that you always have someone to turn to. If for some reason you don’t I hope you try some of the things that worked for me, and find your own organization like DAR.

*Read more of Julie’s work on her M:M Author page. Learn more about the programs and support of both The Daughters of the American Revolution and The USO.